I’ve tried to get this published. To no success. Now, it’s not how I write anymore. I still think the short bit is awesome, just not like what I write anymore. So here it is: for your present viewing:
There is very little more to say that has not already been discussed between us, in private, and through our diverse means of correspondence. To repeat all of it would be redundant, and it would unnecessarily increase the volume of this already difficult letter. You should know that, were it my own choice, I would prefer to see, through continued training and counseling, an improvement in the quality of service you volunteered to supply. It has, nevertheless, been twenty-three years since you began your employment with us, and we have seen nothing but a worsening of those very flaws that have proven the foci of each one of your performance evaluations for, at least, the past seven years.
It is, evidently, the crux of this letter that you should be asked to resign from your position as Heart. As the Heart, your job is generally thought of as being, although less for its utility than from a common sense of sentimentalism, one of the most important within the body. Your duties, as assigned, are not merely to regulate the blood flow, thus ensuring that nutrients produced at the core will reach even the farthest organs of the body, but also to regulate the more fiery emotions with which the frail human body can be often overwhelmed: passion, love, hate, fury, despair, et cetera.
Your failings have forced the Brain to work overtime to correct your errors. Not only does this create a loss of productivity overall, but also an excessive exhaustion of the Brain’s ability to perform its specific roles: namely, the regulation of the softer emotions, the imagination, and logic. This has, consequently, led to a number of imbroglios that cannot be remedied: actions and words approved by various organs of the body, working irresponsibly, which have caused problems that, inevitably, the Brain has been forced to correct for us all, as best as he is able.
Do not concern yourself with the duties that you will be leaving behind. We have found it to be more productive to wholly eliminate the Heart, a position as obsolete as it was problematic. Already we have hired a Pump, to regulate blood flow throughout the body. With a properly set timing mechanism, we believe this will suffice to utterly supplant the only truly utile duty of the Heart. The other duty, the regulation of the fiery emotions, will be hereafter administered by the Liver, which has had a very successful history of correcting your botches by smothering those same emotions, over which it will now govern, by a careful and regular application of chemicals, both foreign and native to the human digestion.
We will expect your resignation by tomorrow morning at the latest, and we wish you a propitious future, wherever that may take you.